The Lifetime Journey I am here, I am now, and by god you'll want to listen to me.

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Carla Hale is a teacher — or was, before she lost her job at Bishop Watterson Catholic High School in Columbus, Ohio. See, when Ms. Hale’s mother died, the obituary mentioned all the survivors —and it included the name of her longtime partner.

Now, one of the parents of a student at the school read this obituary and sent an anonymous letter — ’cause that’s what cowards do — to the school, calling the diocese disgraceful for employing a lesbian as a gym teacher.

Now, if they called having a lesbian gym teacher “clichéd,” they might have had a point. But bigots don’t like points unless they can stab somebody in the back with them.

As soon as she returned to her job after taking a few days off to bury her mom, Ms. Hale was called into a meeting with administrators. They showed her the anonymous letter — and fired her.

Now, this story is more depressing and ridiculous than that last season of “The L Word.” But here’s the worst part: Ms. Hale’s termination letter actually said, “Your written spousal relationship violates the moral laws of the Catholic Church.”

So here’s the good news — because the “moral laws of the Catholic Church” actually violate the laws of the Bible.

There’s only one single passage of the entire Bible that homophobic Christians really use to condemn lesbians. From St. Paul’s letter to the Romans:

“For this cause God gave them up unto vile affections: For even their women did change their natural use into that which is against nature.”

That’s it. The only reference to lesbians in the entire Bible. And, just like Hillary Swank and Chloe Sevigny in “Boys Don’t Cry,” it’s not even really about lesbians.

See, once you get past the fact that this was written by a guy who never met Jesus and the great biblical tendency to refer to women as sexual objects — “women changed their natural use” — which kinda makes it all sound like the Gospel according to Ike Turner — all it says is that Roman women once did “that which is against nature.”

We live in a society where you can inject botulism in your forehead — but Ellen’s against nature? The only kind of sexuality, my friends, against nature is pretending to be straight when you’re not.

What Paul’s really talking about there in that part of the letter are ancient Roman temple practices of worshiping gods that were mostly human/animal hybrids. God turned his back on those Romans and then they got all kinky. Many theologians believe Paul’s really talking about ritual bestiality of the Romans. It’s another case of Christians who don’t know the Bible, but use it to justify their hate — and that’s a bigger cliché than any group of flannel-wearing, softball-playing, men-hating sapphos driving pickups to a Wellesley reunion at Lilith Fair.

Now, Ms. Hale has filed a complaint with the city of Columbus, which prohibits firing employees based on sexual orientation — and her local teacher’s union has chosen not to support her.

But we do. Because in that same letter to the Romans, chapter 2, verses 1 through 3, Paul also says:

“Therefore you have no excuse or defense or justification, O man, whoever you are who judges and condemns another. For in posing as judge and passing your sentence on another, you condemn yourself.”

Oops. Turns out the homophobes are the ones violating the moral laws. And if you still want to discriminate against Americans based on something that’s not even in your holy book — well, guess what, Reverend — you can start paying your taxes like everyone else.

One final Bible quote from the Book of Ruth:

“Where you go, I will go; where you lodge I will lodge; your people shall be my people, and your God my God. Where you die, I will die — there will I be buried.”

But it’s a passage about two women — Ruth and Naomi. The Bible never calls them lesbian, but it celebrates their love and uses the same Hebrew word used to describe how Adam felt about Eve.

So remember — there’s one or two mentions of gay men in the entire Bible, but at no point does the Almighty ever forbid women being with women. And I find it just a bit curious that God has the same policy as Vivid Video.

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